As published on Thought Catalog on December 8, 2014.
Everyone always says that, when you find the one – you just know. This is an ode to that special person and the reason why I believe in soul mates.
She texts me back. I never have to worry about what she’s doing or who she’s with. She doesn’t keep me waiting for hours as a method of pure torture.
We go to sporting events for the same reasons. To get drunk and stare at hot guys.
She’s my biggest fan. Seriously. She thinks I’m the funniest person ever. I never laugh so hard just doing absolutely nothing. My ego gets put in check after hanging out with her once I realize that everyone doesn’t think my awkward, inappropriate and not very well thought out jokes are as funny as she does.
It’s the thought that counts. When I’m sad, she plays a shitty YouTube version of my favorite song. And somehow, the terrible sound quality and random screaming fans in the background make everything better.
She’s the best date. She is an absolute pro at dressing up and getting wine drunk with me before fancy events.
We watch the same shows. No need for long sighs or hesitations when scrolling through the TV guide.
She doesn’t care… if I shave my legs or not.
She drinks as much as I do. She knows that a Twisted Tea with a shot of raspberry vodka in it is not a ‘bitch’ drink but rather, the most effective way to get drunk.
We love naps. And we pride ourselves at being really, really ridiculously good at them.
She doesn’t get mad if I ditch her to go hook up with a guy. It’s actually highly encouraged.
We have completely different taste in guys. Therefore, jealousy is never an issue. We never have to fight for the same guys attention or call dibs.
If we are mad at each other… we can tell each other why and get over it. No long held out grudges or holding things over each other’s heads for months to come.
She doesn’t criticize my driving because she’s 100% a worse driver than I am.
We wear the same size shoes. If anyone has ever seen my closet, they know that it consists mostly of shoes. Now imagine that… and then double it. It’s awesome.
She picks me up from the bar when I’m too drunk to drive. Even if I’m within walking distance. And she’s been asleep for 2 hours..
Neither of us have unrealistic expectations. We know that if we say we aren’t going to drink for a couple days on a Monday that we’ll be meeting for happy hour on Tuesday.
She calls me out when I wear a t-shirt to the park, go out to happy hour, sleep in it, and then throw a blazer over it to go to work the next day.
We take about the same time to get ready. Gone are the days of feeling rushed to get ready because someone is waiting. Or, sitting on the couch and scrolling through my Instagram feed for the 405th time waiting for someone to finish whatever it is people do to make themselves presentable. We give each other a 10 minute warning, take a shot and are out the door while maintaining our expectation of arriving an average of 7 minutes late to everything.
She’ll never say that I drink too much, sleep too much, watch too much TV. Because she’s right there with me.
She appreciates the finer things. Like pineapple and pepperoni pizza.
We know that.. physical pain is less scarring than emotional pain so we use our fists instead of our words. And it’s not considered domestic abuse… just straight up abuse?
She loves my dog as much as I do. If I’m not home, she will send me numerous photos of my puppy being adorable.
Picking a place to eat is not a battle. We never have to argue about where to go or what we want because we always order from the same places. It’s called rotation, people.
She is down for anything. Whether it is getting drunk on a Tuesday night, an impromptu trip to Target, coming on my Tinder date to an Avs game or moving with me across the country. She. Is. Down.
We have the same expectations of cleanliness. None.
Her family is just as crazy (if not more) as mine. And that’s saying a lot.
To all the guys out there wishing you had a girl as great as mine, you’re in luck. She is single and I’m willing to rent her out for the small fee of a Chipotle burrito. She likes beards, America, trucks and Mexican food. Inquire within.