I had something completely different scheduled to publish today but due to unforeseen circumstances – I think that this is more important.
When you’re single – people are always trying to set you up with this ‘amazing person’ that they know that would be just ‘perfect’ for you – which is actually perfect for me because I really do love meeting new people. LOVE IT. But when it comes to meeting new people that your friends or family want to set you up with – there is always either something you have to live up to like, “Ohmigod you have to meet Jordan because she is just SO funny.” (I’m pretty sure people say that) OR you just don’t click with the new person and feel awkward telling the person that set you up that they don’t know you AT ALL.
Regardless – if someone I know wants me to meet someone new – I never say no. Which leads to, if nothing else, interesting stories. The problem lies mostly when I try to meet people myself.
The first thing that I do when I meet someone that I kind of like is introduce them to my family. A lot of people might find this backwards but it’s not. I spend a lot of time with my family – so if someone can’t hang or my cousins declare them unfit for whatever reason (and, trust me, they are not afraid to tell me the exactly what they are thinking) then that guy gets kicked to the curb. Sad but true.
Anyway – sometimes I am not the best picker – and by sometimes I think I mean all of the time since I haven’t picked right yet? And I will be the first to admit that I do attract a little bit of crazy. That’s why my friends are so awesome and my dating life is so… unstable.
This week in particular has been weird. I have put these events in order of normal-ish to fucking insane.
The most mild of the bunch is the text that I got from my cousin last night:
When I first got this – my thought was – that’s weird. I wonder if he was like, “Hey man, you’re good at soccer – I have a really pretty, funny and smart cousin that you should meet.” He definitely said that.
People always assume that if you’re from the same place that you will get along. Who ever decided that this was a thing? Someone had to. Because my boss did the very same thing to me not too long ago – and yes, she did start off the text by calling me ‘dude’ cause we’re cool like that.
The weird thing about this, as my pimp aka cousin Ben pointed out, was that I found out a guy’s first name and age – and agreed to go on a blind date with him. Which was actually fun and he turned out to be an awesome guy so it all worked out. But, in hindsight, I probably should have gathered more information. Like.. is he a blonde adult?
All that is just fine and dandy – and if you’re still reading this – good for you because here is where things start to get interesting.
I will preface this by giving you a little bit of background to the story – it will leave you wanting more but, in all honesty, there is no more. This is it.
I was at a bar (surprise) and as I was waiting in a too long line for drinks, a guy came up to me and asked if he could buy me a beer.
Me : Thanks, but I’m also buying drinks for all my friends so maybe another time.
Him: That’s okay – I’ll buy all your friends drinks too.
*He was obviously unaware of how my family buys drinks when we go out. If there are 8 or more people – we get 15 shots of Fireball and 15 Coors Light. No. Matter. What.
He bought us all Coors Lights.
I went back to my friends and about 20 minutes later – he found me and asked for my number.
I gave it to him.
Last Thursday at 3:09 in the afternoon – he sent me this. (NSFW but, like, too late)
So of course I sent it to all my friends right away. They asked what I did to encourage this and the answer is, surprisingly, nothing. Absolutely nothing. Although – if I knew what he was willing to do – I might have asked.
If you don’t believe my innocence in this one way exchange – I have the proof.
Is this considered sexting? I don’t think it is. Technically, he mooned me via text message. But I thought I’d be polite enough to thank him since he was thoughtful enough to share what I would consider a very nice ass.
I thought that would top the weird-ness levels of messages that I got this week – until last night. I would give you background to this story – but I have zero – except for that I met this guy one time the summer of 2012. He was a cousin of my boyfriend’s brother’s friend. Yeah. Connect those dots. I don’t think we even actually spoke.
I have nothing more to say about this but feel free to offer suggestions for a response.
Why can’t we just find love the old fashioned way – you know – getting drunk and making out with strangers at the Pour House.
Love the girl who apparently doesn’t know how to charge her phone,