No phone? No morals? No problem.

Yesterday, I spent the entire day without my phone.

Not on purpose.  But because I had left it in my friends car and it was dead.

You never really know how dependent you are on something until you don’t have it.

Let me rewind to the previous night.  The night where it all began.  Saturday night.

My Saturday night actually started at 2PM when my three friends and I went out for lunch and drinks.

Fun Fact: Knowing bartenders is one of the biggest catch 22’s there can be.  Free drinks are always a good thing and often a bad thing – 1 awesome mint vodka drink and 2 shots of tequila later, I was buying a coconut from a place called “Florist, Butcher, Grocery” Yes.  Not one, but all three.


We then advanced to a brewery close by where we were hoping to buy Tingala – a type of drink made by a Denver brewery that is known for making your mouth and tongue numb and tingly.  They couldn’t sell it to us because apparently it’s not safe or some bullshit.  No kidding.

So I took two pickle pepperoncini vodka shots instead.  Do you see where this is going?

We then got directed to a place next door because we were told there was an awesome print that we could buy for my cousin for his birthday in lieu of our Tingala fail.  They described it as being a wolf sitting on top of a beer barrel.  Sounds awesome, right?  I immediately knew that my cousin would hate this – but we had to go see it anyway.


I bought that print. And another round of beers.  I would say that it is cooler than it looks.. but I don’t want to lie to you guys.

By now it was 4PM, we had an hour until we had to meet up for my cousin’s birthday party and there was no sign of slowing down.


Within this hour, I took a s’mores vodka shot at my house and ran chin first into my friend’s neighbor’s door.  Like.. hit it so hard that he opened the door haha.

Now… from here on out – this story will continue being told from the comments, jokes and stories of my friends and family.  Because this is where my memory stopped and my night began.

Blacking out from alcohol is something that I never encourage, but it happens.

In fact the last time that I was this drunk and don’t remember hours and hours at a time was October 2008.  The night that I thought the Phillies were going to win the world series.  (Maybe this is a theme and I should stop living in cities where sports teams do well.)  I was upstairs in my friend’s roommate’s room drinking whiskey that he kept under his bed.  Fast forward to the next morning when I woke up asking “Did they win?” only to find out that the game had been postponed due to rain and rescheduled to a later date.  So, no.  Nobody was a winner that night.

Back to Saturday – according to my friends..

  • I dated a minimum of about 6 people.  Only to get bored and move on to the next one.
  • I was taking shots like it was my 21st birthday.  Which is totally fine by me.  Because I didn’t get drunk on my 21st birthday – and it was actually one of the worst birthdays ever.  So it was about time I redeemed myself.
  • My ‘friend’ poured a shot on me.. and not just any shot.  A Blue Bronco shot.  Which means it was extra sticky and gross.
  • I made out with Dead Greg
  • I then tried to make out with all Dead Greg’s friends.
  • Some guy named Mack was helping my friends ‘watch me’… seriously though, who the fuck is Mack?
  • I asked my friends old roommate, Hott Paul, to have babies.  He agreed.
  • My favorite bartender of a place I go to ALL the time actually had to cut me off.
  • I went around to everyone saying, “Help me, I’m poor.” When in reality – I was the one buying everyone’s drinks.
  • I dated a guy from Birmingham, AL for about 2 hours – and have missed calls from him in my phone.  Not only do I not remember dating him but I don’t remember his name or what he even looks like.  From my friends description.. I’m thinking something like this..


  • My friends said that I ‘threw’ a girl.  Which I refuse to believe.  I probably just pushed her a little bit.  But, in my defense, she was dancing like an asshole.
  • Another friend said that there was a group of businessmen that were thoroughly entertained by me.  Asian businessmen.  In suits.
  • I got kicked out of View House by not one bouncer, but 3.

Now, the only reason that I was able to get away with acting like this was because I have awesome friends who look after me and run great interference to avoid having people punch me in the face like I probably deserve.  Thanks guys. Your’e the fucking best.


And a special thanks goes out to a co-worker who intercepted me around 2AM, tried to fight off the bouncers with me and took me to his house to crash. Granted, he did give me more drinks when we got back to his place therefore fueling the fire but.. without him – who knows where I would be right now.

The next morning was rough.  I woke up  to him popping a bottle of champagne ready for round 2.  Me, on the other hand, I was ready for nothing, especially not more alcohol.  I had 5 missed calls from a friend who had no idea where I was and thought I was missing.  I called my mom for moral reassurance.  I was asking everyone “Why don’t they love me!?”  My body is still sore. My chin hurts.  And I lost my coconut.  Whatever I do when I’m blacked out is none of my business.

On the bright side, I got a new picture to hang in my house.  My friends and family still love me.  I was so hungover that I slept through that awful Super Bowl.  I make people feel better about their own lives. And not having my phone attached to me all day was definitely for the best.

Putting my pride aside, this story serves as a lesson to all my readers – don’t drink unless you have a fab support system surrounding you.  Also, you really don’t need your phone as much as you think you do – especially when you have friends to take pictures of your shame for you.  So put it down and pick up a beer instead.  You’ll have more fun, I promise.

Take my advice, learn from my mistakes and go forth young Jedi’s.  Bad decisions await.

– J


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