Liar, liar.

A little while ago I came across this article about the 6 Lies Everyone Tells.

Besides the first “I’m on my way” lie – which innately piggy backs on my inability to tell time.  I lie about so much more.

The thing is – these days you need to be careful when you lie with the internet and all that at the fingertips of… well, everyone.

It is pointless to lie about how old you are, where you went to college, what you do for a living, etc. People can look that shit up.  And on top of that – no one cares what you do.  Especially in Denver where it’s actually cooler to be a struggling bartender/ski bum/stoner/blogger/musician than to be a square in the corporate-business world.

There was a guy that I dated briefly when I moved here who was so into what he did for a living and how much money he made that I realized I would have rather had him lie to me.  Just lie.  Or get a more interesting job.  I don’t care. No one cares.  Anything is cooler than what you actually do.  Needless to say – that didn’t last long.

I think lying is common.  And not in the way that you become labeled as a Liar (capital L) or notorious for being such an untrustworthy person.  But as a habit out of boredom.  I don’t lie because I don’t like myself.  I do (as if you couldn’t already tell).  I lie when I’m bored.

Disclaimer – don’t lie to the people you love or to the people who love you.  That’s not very nice.  Lie to strangers, people you’ll never see again.  It’s fun.

My favorite place to lie is in the elevator. Elevators are the most awkward places for conversation.  You are literally stuck in a 5×5 box with someone for let’s just say, 36 floors.  You can pretend to check your phone even though everyone in the building knows there isn’t service in the elevator.  Awkward.  Or you can make interesting conversation with a complete stranger and see if you can get a rise out of them.

It could be as small as a lie as “I like your bag” mean girls style – even if it is the ‘fugliest thing you’ve ever seen.’ You could say anything.  It could make their day, change their outlook on life, make them contemplate their existence – I’m thinking big here.  Or if you’re bold enough – just start telling a story.  It could be completely fabricated or based off of something that is a little bit true.  Being able to think on your feet makes you a more well-rounded and creative person.  Ya’ll can quote me on that.  Elevators are like a safe zone of who gives a fuck.  Maybe they’ll even go home and be like “I heard the craziest thing in the elevator today…” It will be the lie heard around the world.

Another place I loved to lie was on the first day of class in college.  My brother’s girlfriend brought this to my attention the other day.  You know –  how on the first day of class professors STILL insist that you go around and not only say your name but also include some interesting things about you.

Already being an anxious person – I hated this shit.  So I lied “Ummm… My name is Jordan.  I used to have a pet panda and…. I like to bake.” Neither of those are true.  But who knew me to call me out? No one.  So let people think you’re more interesting than you are.

Things I recently lied about:

The weight on my driver’s license.

Duh. I COULD be 5 lbs. lighter… If I wanted to be…  Plus the DMV guy was kinda cute.

“I’m not that drunk.”

This is not just me. This is almost everyone.  Especially my roommate Kevin who throws up every time he drinks.  (Hey Kev!) If someone says, ‘you’re drunk’ your defense goes up.  Very rarely do people respond with “YEAH I AM!!!” Even more so if it’s in a situation where you’re the drunkest person in the room.  Nobody wants to be that person.   Unless you’re my brother – then it’s almost automatic.

“Sure, I’m fluent in Spanish.”

My mom wishes I was.  I can understand Spanish.  I can read and write in Spanish.  But when it comes to speaking in Spanish – my brain short circuits and I can’t remember anything I learned about conjugating verbs.  I got accustomed to telling people that I live in the now –because that’s the only tense I can speak in.  The future and past just don’t exist in my Spanish alter ego.

“I don’t care what you think about me.”

When you are able to have fun and make things up – you almost stop caring about what people think.  Almost.  My mom always told me to not care what people think.  But everyone knows that’s impossible.  It’s impossible to not care just a little.  Everyone wants to be liked and accepted – even those people who don’t admit it.

I hate chipotle. 

PSYCH.  I just lied about lying.  I love chipotle.  Jordan + Chipotle = FOREVER ❤

See – lying isn’t bad if it’s not hurting anyone.  Sometimes it’s even to protect people’s feelings.  Some lies are just exaggerations or omissions of the truth.  Totally acceptable by my standards.

Have I ever gotten caught in a lie?  Hell ya.  But who cares.  If you didn’t care enough to tell the truth about something, you shouldn’t care about being caught red handed.  What you SHOULD care about is lying about other people with an intention to hurt them.  Don’t do it.  Don’t bring others into your personal episode of Pretty Little Liars.  Don’t make up things about other people.  Don’t spread gossip that you KNOW is not true.  Even if you preface it with “Emily told me that…” or “I heard that she…”  It’s petty.  And rude.

Now go off and lie a little, you’ll feel better.  I promise.

My pants are on fire,

J

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