Nobody’s Perfect…

Again, I have been busy– and by busy I mean, re-watching season 1 of The Newsroom, changing my nail polish color almost every day and filling out my application for the Bachelorette.  That’s right – The Bachelorette casting call came to Denver and –  although I wasn’t able to attend due to a prior obligation – I am still making it a point to fill out the application and get chosen to fall in love on national television.  Because what better way is there? Right?! And it doesn’t hurt that you get to travel the world, too.

The application is similar to a job application… but actually more like a wife application? Most questions are pretty basic; describe your ideal mate, what are your interests, do you have any pets, do you have any special talents, and list 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you, blah blah blah.  Now – I was feeling pretty confident answering these questions until the special talents one popped up and my mind went blank.  Do I really have not one special talent? I can’t touch my tongue to my nose, I can’t bake or cook anything extraordinary… or anything at all, I’m not really exceptionally good at anything besides judging people based off of the first impression I get of them – see, I’m made for TV.

Next to the 3 adjectives that would surprise people about you, both me and my co-worker thought the word smart was adequate.  It’s a shame that people’s intelligence is mistaken by the way that they look.  Shame, shame shame. I then felt the need to cross this question out.  How the hell am I supposed to know what surprises people about me? I’m sure a lot does.  I’m thinking that the producers are just trying to weed out the boring people.  So I decided to write the three things I’m not good at – might as well warn my future husband of what he’s getting himself into.

LISTENING

Let me preface this by saying I am a good listener when people are talking directly at me and/or confiding in me.  I am even good at giving unsolicited advice that I should learn to take myself once in a while.  With that said, if someone catches me off guard and says something to me – I swear, I’m deaf.

This is me..

Example 1; Spinning Class

I hate spinning.  Never liked spinning.  And yet – sometimes I feel the urge to ‘try again’ as if somehow I will decide that I enjoy sitting on an uncomfortable bike for an hour, sweating immensely, and pretending that my bike is set on a higher level than it actually is.  A little over a week ago – I convinced a co-worker to go to a spinning class with me.  “Come on,” I said.  “It will be fun,” I lied. After both of us almost backed out at the last minute, we found ourselves straddling the stationary bikes and pedaling away.  There were only 3 other people in the class and the music was a little bit loud.  Being on bikes right next to each other we could have mini conversations between gasping for air.  “Look at that old guy kicking our ass,” I thought she said, “Can you believe that?!”… my response being “Yeah!!”  4 seconds later she hopped off her bike, grabbed her water bottle and jetted.  I finished the rest of the 45 minutes of the class and found her upstairs on the elliptical.  Here she was saying – This sucks. I hate this. I’m leaving.  Are you coming with me? Hahaha, minor misinterpretation.  Lip reading is clearly not my forte.

Example 2; Boot Camp

My cousin and I recently started going to this new boot camp a couple times a week.  Again loud music is playing (one time there was even a DJ, but that’s another story) and the cute instructor came up to me while I was jumping up and down on a block.  He pointed at my shoes, said something and I just kind of smiled and nodded.  My cousin looked at me as if to say “What did he say?” My response being… I have absolutely no idea.  He could have said A) I like your shoes  B) You need to start focusing on those cankles or C) we should go make out.  I’m guessing it wasn’t C since that didn’t happen..

Example 3; Dan

I’m calling this example ‘Dan’ because he is the one who I experience this phenomena with most – although it happens with almost everyone I work with.  My office is very spacious – and with my desk right in the middle, people are often walking by.  Most of the time I have my headphones in one ear while I’m re-watching every Hills episode ever or listening to Blink 182 Pandora but, even when I don’t, I have a problem hearing people.  Dan will walk past my desk and say something and I will either have to say ‘what?’ every time or just pretend that I heard him and respond.

Our conversations are usually as follows:

Dan: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “Yeah, me too.”

Dan: “What’s good?” <– I literally hate this saying/question.  Is there ever a right answer?
Me: “Yeah, it is a little warm in here.”

Dan: “Can you do me a favor?”
Me: “I think we’re having pizza for lunch today.”

I am absolutely positive he thinks I’m an idiot.

TELLING TIME

I don’t know who the fuck taught me how to tell time.  Oh right, my mother.

When we were younger, when my mom used to take my brother and I anywhere involving a long drive, she was notorious for leaving the house and making at least 4 stops before we even got on the turnpike.  This might have been the start of my warped sense of time.

  • I never know how long it actually takes to get somewhere or to do something.  I either over estimate it and end up sitting in my car reading for 20 minutes until it’s acceptable for me to arrive or I extremely underestimate it and end up late, apologizing, and embarrassed because of – traffic, my hair, I couldn’t decide what to wear, I HAD to watch one more episode of Girls or I just didn’t leave when I should have.
  • Also, when I say I’ll be there at 7:30, I usually mean that I’ll be waking up from my nap at 7:30 and will be arriving around 8:15.
  • I don’t have a clock in my car (still haven’t figured out why) and none of my watches are set to the right time – they are set to the time that they were when I bought them.

Being on time IS important – but only in certain situations. Work. Airports. Dr.’s appointments. A first date.

DIRECTIONS

I knew I was bad at directions from a young age when my cousin and I had to go pick up my brother from lacrosse practice.  She was unfamiliar with the area and asked me how to get to my school.  Something I should have known.  Something which I didn’t know.  It resulted in a lot of “Oh, this road looks familiar, just turn here” and consequently a lot of U-turns.  We got there eventually after we called my brother and he expertly directed us from our vague description of where we were.  He was 8.  Sorry, Jake. And thank the lord that GPS’ were invented by the time I learned how to drive.

Another prime example of my direction capability is this past January when my ex-boyfriend and I were driving from Philly to Denver – right out of his neighborhood he explicitly told me to ‘turn left at the stop sign.’ I said okay, and then turned right.  Not to annoy him (which was really easy to do, homie couldn’t hang) but just because I felt that was the direction he told me to go. A GPS couldn’t save me there.

I also did this on my driving test when I was 16.  Driving around my neighborhood with my old gym teacher, who was also my driving instructor giving me my test…? He told me to make a right turn up ahead.  I went left.  Turn signal on and everything. Just left. He just said “Oh, okay – I guess we’ll just go around again.” Don’t worry guys, I still passed.

The moral of today’s ramblings is that there’s no point in pointing out someone else’s flaws – chances are, they already know.  Everyone has their crutches, some just more noticeable than others.

On the other hand, everyone has those things that they really excel at too – I guess I’m just still looking for mine.  When I find it though, I’m going to be the best at whatever it is.  Better than everyone else.

Anything you can do, I can try to do probably, almost better too,

– J

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