Today is finally Friday – as I sit at my desk all hopped up on a 5 hour energy, large green tea and a glass of some Vitamin C shit before 7 AM so that I can stop being sick/hungover/boring by the time two o’clock roles around (I’ve got big drinking plans) – I figured I’d indulge in ranting about everything that has happened in the past week that has been really annoying to me (keyword; TO ME). And if at least one of these things doesn’t bother you or has never bothered you at some point in your existence you’re a total liar who can’t admit that sometimes things suck. Like…
When I have to put a bra on.
Ok, so.. maybe this is a bad one to start off with considering it doesn’t affect half of the population AND some girls like wearing bras. For whatever reason. I totally understand if your tits are huge and you have no other way of containing them – that is not the case for me. So when I have to put a ‘real’ bra on – I shed a tear. Maybe it’s a family thing because I don’t even know how many times my cousin and I have been sitting in her living room debating which one of us should go to Chipotle because neither of us want to contain our boobies to go out in public. That’s why Chipotle needs to deliver but, that’s besides the point. Ever since Forever 21 came out with these awesome pseudo bras – I can count the number of times on one hand that I’ve worn a real bra in the last month. I’m never turning back. I have them in every color. You know.. for those special occasions.
When people tell me secrets.
When someone says ‘I have a secret to tell you’ it’s a very bittersweet moment. On one hand – I love secrets, I want to know them all, everyone’s and anyone’s.. sometimes for my own selfish reasons and sometimes just so that I can feel like I know something that other people don’t. On the other.. I’m not very good at keeping them so I relish the chance when someone wants to confide in me.
Some people know not to tell me important things – but, if they don’t preface it by saying “hey – this is just between you and me” then .. well, I usually tell people. And it’s happened to me the other way too, so I get it. I realize that I need to be more careful about certain things that I tell certain people – so they should do the same. Don’t get mad at me if I feel the need to share your really embarrassing moment with everyone at the bar – you shouldn’t be ashamed, you should feel honored. It usually means that I think it’s a really awesome and super scandalous story that I just can’t keep to myself because the more people that know, the better. I’m on your side. Secrets, secrets are no fun.
When you call someone and then they text you back.
Ugh. Seriously!? I called you for a reason. Yes, I know how to text too and I get that sometimes you might be busy. But, if I called you – it’s probably because I have a lengthy awesome story to tell you and I want to hear your genuine laughter and praise about how awesome my life is. OR maybe something horrible has happened and a text just won’t suffice. OR maybe I’m dying and you are the one person that I called to my rescue. OR I just want to talk for some reason about nothing or something or everything. Whatever it is. Call. Me. Back. Fuckers.
When guys wear white sunglasses.
To be fair – white sunglasses can be pulled off by some people – but usually not by the people wearing them. I used arrows to better depict the situation at hand.
The arrow on the left clearly points to the pair of white sunglasses worn on the back of this guys head.. at 9PM at night. The arrow on the right draws attention to the face I couldn’t help making (that my friend so masterly captured) as I walked away from what I thought might be an interesting conversation with this guy. HA. I love interacting with people, especially douchebags. You see, as a writer – I like to understand people’s motives for doing things. This guy’s motive? That he likes the shape of them. Ok. Douche. Bag.
To be fair, you shouldn’t go up to strangers and ask – “Why they fuck do you think you can pull those off?” – it usually doesn’t lead to an amicable friendship.
When people say chill or relax.
FUCK. YOU. is usually my response. At the time – I’m probably fine, relaxed, at ease with life – but as soon someone tells me to chill – I freak the fuck out. I think it’s condescending and annoying and rude and stupid. What could I possibly be doing to you that you feel the need to tell me to relax. Oh, I’m being too loud about a totally inappropriate topic in a bar on a Saturday night? I’m sorry for having an opinion and wanting everyone to know what I think about the total whore wearing cut off shorts, half a shirt, uggs and bad extensions in public that just walked by. I’m sure she is a super smart and she already knows what she is based on her choice of appearance – so don’t tell ME to calm down. Tell HER to look in a mirror. Then, leave my table to go hang out with more relaxed and chill people who are probably boring and talk about the last podcast they saw on why carrots are better than cucumbers.
When the weather man is wrong.
Ok – this is something that I know I can’t control, and living in Colorado I usually don’t have too much to complain about. But when I make plans to go to a pool and cannon ball because the weather channel told me it was going to be sunny and 80 degrees and awesome.. I get excited. It’s what I look forward to all day. So when clouds of doom are rolling in and THEN the pool is closed for mixing chemicals into it. i. get. pissed. Sure, drinking twisted teas with raspberry vodka in it makes things a lot better. but I’m still never going to forgive the weatherman. never. ever.
He better not be wrong about today. OR. ELSE.
When my boss is completely unrealistic.
Seriously Michael Kors – get your shit together. I’m tired of complaining about you. You ruin my life. My job. My wallet. I would really appreciate it if you wouldn’t discontinue the one type of shirt that my boss likes. He doesn’t understand why I can’t find them on Ebay, Amazon, MK website, Nordstrom, Saks, you name it. If they are not in his hand 10 minutes before he asks for them – It’s my fault. He doesn’t understand that they stopped making them because they weren’t that popular. Apparently they are ‘liars and are bullshitting me.’
When my passengers check my mirrors.
Ok, so sometimes I’m not the best driver in the world.. I get distracted by birds, the radio, looking at myself in the mirror, guys in other cars, rain, passengers, homeless people, traffic lights, the sun.. you name it. But, if you are in my car – at some point you made the conscious or drunk decision to trust me enough with your life to set foot into my vehicle. And this is not just a few passengers that feel the need to do this whenever they sense the flicker of my turn signal – this is MOST of my passengers. All male of course – because they need that sense of control. You should feel privileged to ride around in the Blue Vulva listening to the 4 Drake songs that I’m obsessed with on repeat. So sit back, shut up, and enjoy the riiiide.
When people are stupid.
Ok – I know, I know – I usually don’t have any room to talk on this subject since sometimes I don’t think before I speak but seriously. If I’m standing there with one other person and I order 2 dozen bagels that comes with 4 tubs of cream cheese – the response “Is this for here or to go?” is something I would deem unnecessary and dumb.
Yeah bitch, want to watch us devour 2 dozen bagels in front of you? Sure. We’ll take them for here. Fuck the other people, if they didn’t come to pick their own bagels – they don’t get any!
I just said “To go, please.”
When I buy things off the internet and it’s not what I wanted.
Now, I’m sure this is one that you guys can relate to most. Have you ever looked at anything on the internet and thought SHIT THIS IS AWESOME. I NEED IT. IT’S MINE! Yes. You have. I do this ALL the time. More frequently now that Pinterest exists.
Not to go on a Michael Kors rant again BUT.. don’t these shoes look awesome and cool and SO stylish?
Doesn’t it look like the girl attached to these shoes is awesome and cool and SO stylish. I had to have them. Now. When I got these shoes and tried them on – I did not feel awesome. or cool. and the least of all, not stylish. I felt dumb and stupid and like a sucker for even thinking that Michael Kors could please me after all that we’ve been through. At first I thought “Oh, maybe it’s just me, maybe I can’t pull these off because they just aren’t my style – who am I trying to be?” But NO. It is not me. It’s the shoes. Nobody should be wearing these. I don’t know whose legs they are attached to in that picture but it’s a lie. ALL LIES. So again, Mr. Michael Kors – If you’re out there, and if you care about my well being – get your shit together. Please 🙂
Another good example of this internet fraud bikinis. Have you ever bought a bathing suit from Victoria’s Secret and thought “OH I LOVE THIS ONE” Because deep down you’re thinking that if you buy the bathing suit, you’ll look like the model wearing it. I do this EVERY. TIME. I buy a bathing suit online. I’m deceived.
Wait a second.. why don’t I look that? Tan, and fit, and sparkling.. just – OH, look at me, soaking up some rays without a care in the world. I thought I bought the bikini? What was I paying for if I didn’t get the whole package!?!
Have you had enough? Ok. This concludes today’s list of things that annoy me. Enjoy the wikkity-wikki-weekend.